CNN
Tonight our section hosted CNN - Chuck Norris Night - at the Squadron. For those that don’t know, Chuck Norris has become quite popular in the net culture since 2005 with the advent of Chuck Norris Facts
This night was dedicated to that. There were Chuck Norris Mustache competitions, Roundhouse competitions in which style and lethality were graded. There was a bit of trivia, and Chuck Norris facts that relate to Balad. Below is the submission that I created for the evening…
Chuck Norris decided to retire in 1974 after being the undefeated World Karate Champion of every weight class, simultaneously, for the sixth consecutive year, due to his autonomous pregnancy.
It is a well known fact that Chuck Norris gave birth to the Tuskegee Airmen. But a lesser known fact is that on December 15, 1974, he gave birth to me. This can be observed by the form of my beard – including red hairs, stash, nose and penis size, and the last name Zarebski – the name of the composer whom he listened to during the two tents of a second which he was in labor. DNA tests have proven to be futile, as no test tube can hold his DNA.
I have been issued a waiver to maintain this genetically given beard, with the agreement that I will never perform a roundhouse kick while on active duty, unless called upon by the Commander in Chief to do so – as the results would be devastating indeed!
As you all know, the Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn’t tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. Until 2005, no weapon created had been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
In mid 2005, the ultimate weapon had been created. Chuck Norris, known for is purely defensive nature, and only fighting when necessary, signed off on the CNa-RAM A.K.A. Chuck-RAM (Chuck Norris anti-rockets, artillery and mortars) and now known as the “C-RAM Defensive Weapon”.
This weapon actually houses Chuck Norris himself. Upon the identification of incoming munitions, Chuck Norris leaps from the housing unit; roundhouse kicks all inbound artillery, and returns to the unit. Of course, the C-RAMs have a 100% hit rate.
As for the munitions that do land, it is understood that Chuck Norris clearly KNEW that no people or equipment would be harmed – and therefore it was not worth his time to intercept them.
Starting with birthing The 332nd Tuskegee Airmen, Chuck Norris has been a vital component to the US Air Force, and with the advent of the C-RAM, first deployed to the 332 AEW, the legend continues.
Trivia -
- The streak of light observed when the CRAM is firing is indeed Chuck Norris. The explosions are, of course, his roundhouse kicks.
- Chuck Norris moves from C-RAM to C-RAM as appropriate. Even during the simultaneous test firing.
- Each C-RAM housing hosts a plasma TV (for football), Beer fridge, a cot for the ladies.
- General Order 1a does not apply to Chuck Norris.
- Air Force from ‘58-‘62